Journal entry for Friday, June 29, 2001

Today's summary: Personal rambling, my art evolution.

I wrote one of my friends an email earlier today, somebody I never really see online anymore. I don't know how we could possibly stay close friends even if we do care about each other. I've seen it happen a few too many times before and it's just... always sad...

So then I resolved to write a nice long email. And after reviewing what I'd written, I figure big chunks of it are journal-worthy, so here they are, expanded and explicated for your reading pleasure. If you want to read it, that is, heh.

I'm still pretty busy. Still hoping it'll let up, or I'll figure out how to make it let up, so that I can miraculously organize my life into something I can handle. Really frustrated and disappointed with myself as always that I haven't been able (haven't bothered?) to juggle work, homekeeping, a relationship, and my personal stuff like artwork. So it's this weird combination of depression and gladness that I can sell my artwork, that I'm back into my artwork, etc.

My rambling theory (since I always have a theory):

Back in college, my then-boyfriend was very controlling of me buying art supplies, he didn't want me "wasting" them on any creatively experimental new work that wouldn't be sellable. Neither of us really saw it that way at the time, but in retrospect I realize that it really turned me off from art for a while, even after leaving him. I ended up dumping all my creative energy into the game instead, which is part of why it means so much to me.

Later on, I did spend many months obsessing over Bryce3D and making digital art, because I picked up the skills quickly and because it was non-threatening to me, but I was frustrated again by my inability to print any of it reliably, and by constantly having to justify to naysayers that "Yes, this is art. It counts just as much as painting or photography. Yes, it would be an original print. Yes, it would be a 'real' print.". I couldn't even get some artists I knew to take me seriously -- traditional printmakers tend to feel threatened by the digital possibilities, I guess.

After heavy research I finally got an archival printer, and I could turn my work into a possessable, displayble object. But by then, I had so much cumulative frustration that I had lost a lot of interest in my digital work. (I haven't really bothered going on to sell my prints to frame shops or anything like that. Besides, the printer is not working right, right now.)

Maybe I'm just making excuses, I don't know, but I really have been frustrated by all the stuff I've just described.

So, back to the saga. I finally decide I miss making artwork again... I get into making my razorbugs. And it's great, because it's tactile and very satisfying overall... AND, people really love them, and they want them, and I get to share my artwork with lots of people who actually appreciate it. That means the most to me -- not selling it, but rather, people just seeing it and having it and having some kind of appreciation for the mental and physical effort that goes into it. That people recognize it as valid, basically, unlike my digital work.

It's been the same with my new fossil work. People take it seriously by default, instead of me having to justify it endlessly to skeptics... It's very reaffirming, basically.

For me that fills a key gap that the game just /didn't/ for me. When I'd roleplay on the game, I always kind of felt like it was a performance for an audience of one (or more than one, but usually one)... and after it's done, it's kinda just... gone, in a way. Sure, I could keep a log, but very few people would be interested or care. And I've always had this "must use creative energy, must show people" drive, which is the whole reason I'm so obsessive over my websites, too.