Journal entry for September 16, 2001

Today's summary: Still can't cry.

I don't know, am I the only one?

The night before everything happened I went on a random, HUGE crying jag, about... just anything I could possibly cry about.

So then, Tuesday, I saw what happened on TV and I was horrified, and I just couldn't believe the scale, and I do feel deeply affected. But, no crying.

I've been watching the TV and reading and looking at photos and everything to try and soak up an understanding of what happened, that it's REAL and that so many people are dead or suffering as a result... I saw angry people full of misplaced, purely racist hatred... Gave blood, gave money, talked to people online who had lost friends or family...

But, I still can't cry. I wish I could, actually, if only as a sign of respect and sympathy. I usually cry at the drop of a hat, at the movies, everything... but not this time. I guess it's self-centered in a way for me to focus on this fact, but I just can't figure it out... maybe it's some kind of emotional defense mechanism? I keep trying to break through to how I really feel and I can't catch it.

On the other hand, I think it's good that I did so much crying the night before... because, now, if I do cry I know it will be genuine sympathy for all of us, and NOT just a kind of excuse to get cathartic release for all the OTHER stresses in my life.

At the same time I feel so guilty for not crying, as if I'm somehow so far removed from everything that I've subconsciously taken this attitude as if it "doesn't have anything to do with me". I DON'T really believe that's the case, but it's one of those sneaking anxieties -- again, self-centered I know. And that self-centered kind of feel is also pointlessly guilt-inducing.

But I mean, I FEEL like I care. It just seems like somehow, crying would be the only thing to truly prove it. Does this make any sense?

(Later on) I talked with some of my friends about this, and finally concluded... I guess I'll just wait and see how I end up reacting in the long run. I keep telling myself that whether I happen to actually cry or not doesn't change how I actually feel about all of this, and it doesn't change what I do to help other people who're affected.