Journal entry for January 2, 2003:
An update.

Note to self: I really DO want to write in my journal every day. I must not intimidate myself by saying "But I have nothing artistic to show off!"

At the moment, I do have one custom commission idea I'll be working on -- a firefly sculpture, possibly oversized to be a lamp. As I get sketches going, I'll be sure to post them here. It's something I feel good about and no-pressure comfortable with, so, I can deal with that.

But beyond that, I feel uneasy and I fear I'll end up berating myself for "not doing enough artistically". So, I hereby give myself permission to do whatever I want to do over the next few months, be it artistically productive or not. (kinda sad that I feel a need to declare this publically instead of just doing it, eh?)

If I do make something I can show here, I will. But, I have too many other things to deal with right now emotionally and logistically. I don't want to overextend myself by putting art pressure on myself.

I know some artists take a lot of comfort in their artwork and when they feel their worst, that's what they do. I think I am actually the same way, but I've associated that with feeling like I'm ignoring other critical aspects of my life. So. I need to de-associate (dissociate?) that idea. Hence I am not going to pressure myself as I am typically wont to do. My brother is the same way, and he has an even tougher time letting himself just relax and roll with it. It's always "I must produce!" and becomes its own source of tension. I want to avoid that dynamic as much as possible.

There's a lot of things I need to focus on right now and a lot of things I want to do for relaxing fun. I will make sure I do both. I will spend time with my friends in real life and online. I will post in my journal, put my thoughts down, share. My artwork will flow naturally out of all that, as is inevitable. I just need to give myself time to settle back into my own self... if that makes any sense.

My month in review...

I've been veryvery busy! Lots of work to do, been taking a lot home with me so I could deal with Christmas-related errands and veterinarian visits.

My cat Kiki is still sick. She's such a great cat, follows me everywhere, snuggles like no cat I've ever met (NO not in that way, Josh, get your mind out of the gutter!!). She LIKES getting carried around and hugged and tucked under the covers and such! But. She has been having some major issues lately, with getting to the litterbox. At least her new diet seems to have dealt with most urgency-related accidents, and she isn't all crampy like she was before... Now she only makes a mess about once a week. This is good. Well. Better, anyway. Before it was once or twice a DAY and that was very difficult for all concerned.

Christmas was really nice... it felt very weird considering how much my life has changed, but, still nice. Another weird factor was that two people I know were in the hospital on Christmas and the days following -- Orlando, and flyingcar's mom. They're both reportedly fine now, but it made for an uneasy holiday.

Other than that, hmm. I've just been trying to relax, trying to take care of That Which Needs Taking Care Of, and trying to see my friends as much as possible. As always they're lots of fun, and they help me keep my perspective tuned to a reasonable comfort level.